It's pretty incredible the things we take for granted. Yes, I'm aware that walking is an important part of most people's lives. It's the walking AND something else skills that I miss the most.
I have crutches to get around. Although they aren't the most efficient mode of transportation and my right foot does get terribly crampy, I've been slowly upping my crutch skills. I can now go through all the hip excercises at PT without taking a sitting break. I can take a slightly longer shower (namely, I can wash my hair - shampoo and conditioner! - loofah myself down, shave the parts I can reach, and wash my face without having to get out of the shower to sit down in between). Please note that taking a seated break means getting OUT of the shower, usually soapy and dripping wet, to take a seat on the towel-covered toilet bowl before getting back in there. It's not easy to get out and in, never mind stand for the whole shower. I can also crutch around all smaller stores (the largest being CVS) without needing a break. And stores that are large but have intermittent seating, like Barnes and Noble, are my bitch.
I've also developed coping mechanisms to get me through difficult situations. I ask for bags with handles when I go to stores. I can hold a not-too-heavy paper bag with one hand by folding the top over the handle of the crutch, thereby holding both the bag and the crutch at the same time. I carry a backpack instead of a purse because purses get caught between my crutch and my ample bosom, or if the bag is longer it gets squished between the crutch and the junk in my trunk. I've seen women try to still carry a purse. Unless they are shaped like a 2x4 it is never pretty.
That said, there is one element of crutch life that I have yet to master - the Grocery Store. The grocery store is evil because ...
1. You have to go there. You cannot eat fast food every single day for every single meal, no matter how much you are thinking at this moment "there can never be enough chicken nuggets." The truth is, there CAN be too many chicken nuggets, and as you can probably tell, I should know. See "junk in my trunk" above.
2. Everything is heavy. It's easy to go to CVS because you can load up on light things. At CVS I use a reusable shopping bag because it's too difficult to stop, take off the backpack, insert item, replace backpack, repeat. Also, I don't want to look like a thief. It's difficult, but because everything is light I can carry it like I do the not-too-heavy paper bag. Not so at the grocery.
3. Everything I want is SO FAR from everything else! I'm a perimeter grocery shopper. If I want meat, vegetables, fruit, and milk/cheese, which is usually what I want, I can't just go in, head to one section and get out. It's a marathon in there.
4. There is nowhere to sit. Even at stores without actual seating like Barnes and Noble there are still places to sit. Verizon gave me a chair. CVS has stools near the photo counter. The grocery is a seating wasteland. If I get to the bakery section and have to sit down I'm totally screwed.
All those things in mind, I decided today was the day I had to grocery shop. As I said, I cannot eat any more chicken nuggets. They aren't even that good to begin with. And Taco Bell is delicious but makes me feel so, so bad about myself. My original plan included going to an actual butcher (small store!) and then the grocery just for veggies, which are near the front. Alas, the butcher didn't have the particular cut I was looking for, and any inclination I had to just get something else went out the window when the guy was a total asshole and made me feel stupid for calling something a roast that isn't a roast.
Defeated, I decided to brave the evil Stop and Shop establishment. The shopping list was relatively short. I usually enjoy perusing aisles, thinking of ways to change it up a bit, and pondering what odd veggies might taste like until chickening out and putting them down. Today was all business. Chicken. Green Peppers. Mushrooms. Some sort of quick thing I can make for lunch one day. Bread. We need water but I axed that from the get-go.
I began my journey by putting two reusable shopping bags in a cart near my car. Then it all went downhill. It turns out it is easy to push a cart. It is easy to crutch. It is impossible to do those two things at the same time. I tried a maneuver which entailed shoving the cart ahead of me, crutching to it, repeat. It was slow, clumsy, and I kept hitting things with the cart. Then I tried to push the cart with my stomach. Poor steering control. Finally, I came up with what I will call the Patent-Pending One Crutch Shopping Cart Maneuver. It goes like this:
With a crutch under each arm, place your left hand (the hand on the side of the hurt foot) on the left crutch and right hand on the shopping cart handle. Push the cart forward by simultaneously leaning on the crutches to take a step. Bring the crutches to you by using your left hand while hip-checking the right crutch until it pops to the side a bit. Use incredible armpit strength to swivel the right crutch to an acceptable location for next forward motion. Repeat.
This got me through the veggie section. Then I gave up. I already had my peppers and mushrooms in a shopping bag with one long handle which I wore crossed over my body. I put that bag directly in front of me, stopping every few steps to put it back in front of me so my veggies wouldn't get squashed in the "junk in the trunk vs. crutches" vice. I saw a box of mac and cheese on my way to the meat section. I threw it in the bag. I proceeded to the back of the store for meat only to discover they put the meat where the dairy usually is- on the other side of the damn store! I crutched my way over to the other side (this is where some random guy says under his breath and in passing, "are you okay?" and I'm pretty sure he means mentally and the answer is totally no but I say nothing). I find the meat. I find a giant thing of chicken because no way in hell am I doing this again and we need food for more than one day. I double bag it so it doesn't leak all over me and slide it into the other shopping bag, which I put over my shoulder and over the crutch to avoid the vice situation. It's not a perfect way to carry it as it keeps slipping, but it is better than squishing chicken juice all over me. I pass garlic bread and again throw it into a bag. I get to the counter. I'm almost home free.
I managed to purchase all my stuff (shout out to the lady behind me in line who was totally encroaching on my belt/personal space. I'm on crutches, lady, calm yourself.) It all went back into the bags and I crutched to my car. I collapsed into the driver seat, totally exhausted, and drove myself home. We now have food and I am awesome.
The end.
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